“You’re so good to me.. How did I get so lucky?"
“You’re the best. What did I do to deserve you?”
“I don’t deserve your kindness.”
“I'm not worthy of your time.”
What do you think when you hear phrases like these? I know when things like this are said to me, my first response is, “Awwwwww....” It makes me feel warm inside, knowing that someone thinks I am SO good to them. But, I often have a second reaction... “How sad.”
I'm not really a busy person. Sometimes I don't have anything to do at all, and I'd really like to just be alone. So, if I make time for you, you are pretty f**king important to me. I gain something spending time with you, and you are definitely worth my energy. So when I hear people tell me they’re not worthy of my time, my kindness or whatever it is that I’m giving them at that moment, I get kind of pissed.
In the past, I’ve found myself in plenty of situations where I give my all to someone, and I’ve finally realized the effect it had on me. Several friends of mine were convinced they didn't deserve my friendship. They were sure they didn't deserve the unconditional care and support I give without getting anything in return.
Listen, I don't fault people for not putting in the same effort I do in a friendship. I firmly believe that you can’t always be an equal in every relationship. It's just not possible. There are times when you are going to need someone far more than they are going to need you - and vice versa. And that's OK! With a few particular friends, I knew I’d be giving more of myself than I’d be getting, and I was okay with that; for the most part.
These friends were either having a particularly bad day; divorce, breakup, loss of a job, ignorant drivers, whatever the case may be. I’ve certainly been through difficult times, and anyone else who’s experienced a bad moment knows how great it is to have someone to be there through thick and thin, regardless of how bad your day, month, year, life might be going. For this, and many other reasons, I put myself into a situation that I knew would very likely end up being incredibly draining. But as many other sympathetic individuals do, I dove headfirst into the situation anyway.
Putting my personal feelings aside, I’ve learned a tough lesson from being put into (or perhaps getting myself into) this situation time and time again: some people don’t want help. And sometimes, it really isn’t worth your while to keep trying. I don’t mean to say people aren’t worthy of being helped. Quite the opposite, actually. I think everyone deserves someone to reach out to. The thing people like myself often forget is that, whether intentionally or not, some people will just eventually manage to push you away, no matter what you do. You can make yourself available at any time of day for them, always lend an ear, comfort them, be their rock, and they will still keep their distance.
Most times, it’s not on purpose: they are just beyond help from anyone but themselves at that point. Perhaps someone, someday, will come along and be able to break them out of whatever self-destructive mindset is causing such behavior. But what you need to realize after a time is that it’s not going to be you. There’s only so many times someone can tell you, “I don’t deserve you” before you have to realize they are totally right! Of course they are worthy of love, affection, kindness; but perhaps at that point they are no longer deserving of everything you give of yourself.
It’s unhealthy. And in some way, it will destroy you both. They will constantly be weighed down with guilt because no matter how much you do for them, all they can think about is why. Why you are being so kind to them. Why you are going out of your way for them. Why you are still there for them when they’ve been nothing but selfish.
As hurtful as it can be, sometimes the best way to help these people is to walk away. They need to come to the realization that eventually even the most loving, giving and kind hearted people have limits, and that one day they’re going to push someone too far and they won't come back. Some people need your unconditional love and support. But more often, these people need your lack of it to truly learn their worth. And believe me, that is OK! You’re not a terrible person for feeling this way, because this is good for you too!
No matter how big your heart, how loving, caring and kind you are: you deserve more. Some people will be able to eventually give back to you, others won’t. You owe it to yourself to eventually take something for yourself.
You will be much happier and healthier once you learn that letting go is as good for you as it is for them.
xoxo Stasia ~
