"Border Dweller" - A person in an intimate, intercultural relationship
I guess you could call me an equal opportunity dater; I don't have any specific kind of preference, and I don't actively seek out multicultural people. I mean, I'm a blonde-haired, green eyed white girl from suburban Upstate NY. I grew up in a town where the cattle population outweighed the human population. So, I realize this doesn't necessarily put me in the position to talk about race. However...my various relationships have been difficult at times; like when I miss a cultural nuance or try to speak the language and it comes out all wrong. I'm sometimes left feeling like I don't fit in. But, overall, I feel lucky to have had these experiences with such interesting people, and I've gotten to see things from a different perspective. A few of the relationships haven't lasted, but I've been in my current relationship for a little over three years now. Here are the things I've found to be helpful to keep an interracial relationship strong and healthy:
1. Let's be real...you're dating a human being.
Right?? We all have quirks and a past history. You will probably find you actually have many more things in common than not. And, hey...you're attracted to each other! So go on...build that relationship.
2. We are all more than our race.
What's with the stereotype bullshit? People are individuals, and it's annoying to assume you know anything about them without ever having spoken to them. Shut up and listen. Find out who the person IS.
3 Love can't conquer everything.
I have a friend who dated a guy for about two years. He asked her to marry him and she broke it off. I asked her why, and she said, "I can't marry him; he's Latino". WHAT? Like, really? She didn't realize he was Latino when she started dating him? Weren't they in love, and wasn't that enough? Wasn't that a priority? That confused me as she always told me how happy she was. I now understand that it was fine to date outside of her culture, but not to marry, as culture was such an integral part of her identity when it came to marriage and having children. Sometimes, it's just not possible to make a relationship with different cultures work. I mean, imagine being in a relationship where you couldn't share Thanksgiving or even basic cultural things like giving someone a high five or making eye contact. It CAN be done, but sometimes it's too much for some to give up who they are. (Which, BTW, is OKAY)
4. Pressure to date within race is real.
I can relate with this, but not because of my relationships. My brother is married to a wonderful black woman, who happens to be from Cape Verde, an island off of Africa. The Cape Verde culture is miles away from our little white world culture. My mother was very passive aggressive about my brother's choice of soon-to-be-wife. "She's nice, but we have some family members who are racist." (Say WHAT??) "Remember, you don't speak seven languages like her family, and you won't know what they're talking about when they all get together." This was very frustrating for my brother, and is for anyone when the disparity is something you can't change. And, it can wear on the relationship if the parents are hoping for something else.
5. Racism.
I wish I could say I've never received dirty looks, been talked to rudely, or faced discrimination for being in an interracial relationship. People stare at us all the time. But, they also express their opinions in other ways, such as when someone sees a photo of us. "Oh, you're dating a Latino? Hmmmmm..." OH, I'm sorry...would it be easier for you to say, "What a cute photo" if he was white? And, don't get me started on the anatomical stereotypes. If you are relying on me to tell you because you would never dream of finding out first hand, let me guide you to the internet. There are plenty of articles that have actually deemed this unscientific and racist.
6. There is so much to learn.
Traditions.. I love to learn about other people's traditions. I find them fascinating. My boyfriend loves to say, "Is that how white people talk?" or "Is that what white people do?" Being in an interracial relationship has allowed me to be more knowledgeable about certain issues and foods. Not to mention, I can now throw around a string of foreign curse words like I was born to say them. But, I still learn every day. Try to be included in things that are important in their life so you can better understand them as a person.
7. Don't be an asshole.
I have no nicer way of saying that. I wish this could just go without saying, but it can't. Be respectful of other cultures. Try to keep an open mind. Don't insult food, languages, traditions or anything else that's important to your partner and his/her family.
8. Strong communication is key.
Of course, this is true in any relationship, but more so when you are dating outside of your culture, as there are bound to be unspoken rules. I can't magically understand your life if you don't explain it to me. If you don't have communication and awareness, you won't know if you can truly have a future with someone of a different culture.
9. You will fuck up and say/do something inappropriate at some point.
Actually, I do it all the MF time. Luckily, my boyfriend thinks it's funny when I do something inappropriate, or say the wrong thing in Spanish, or am just basically an idiot. He's cool. Hopefully your partner will be patient and loving too, and explain how you were in the wrong. Be open, understanding and respectful. Just make sure you learn from it.
10. Being a secret sucks.
This is just a recipe for disaster. Own it . Or get out.
I'm not trying to say that interracial dating is harder than other relationships, but amazing experiences can happen when you open yourself up to other cultures and these guidelines could work for any relationship. However, there are challenges dating outside of one's culture, and for some, there can be too many obstacles and difficulty. Even if it's not forever, hopefully it can be fun and adventurous along the way! To me, love has no bias, and not just in my romantic relationships. With enough communication, understanding and even humor, you will be able to have a beautiful relationship together.
xoxo Stasia ~
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Have you had experience with interracial dating? Drop me an email...I'd love to hear your story!
