It is the 8th year anniversary of my mother's death. The moments surrounding her death are still very much fresh in my mind, even after all this time. The memories have remained strong, even if the details are a bit foggy. Sometimes for those who weren't there at the end, the absence of memory is sometimes replaced by questions and wondering.
My analogy is this: If grief is a forest, then the death is its impossibly dark and winding center. Many grieving people find themselves stuck in this center, unable to move far past it, while others have somehow made it to the less dense, but still challenging, outskirts and refuse to look back.
If my characterization sounds bleak, I guess it’s because this struggle is personal to me. You see, I was there for my mother's final month of life. I watched things happen to her that no one should ever have to witness happening to a parent, a child, or any loved one. Of course, I know many people have made peace with memories of their loved one’s death and they can look back without feeling fear, guilt, shame, or intense sadness. But even after all these years, I'm not one of them.
Every year, on the date of her death, I go into a depression that can, unfortunately, last for many weeks. Though I’ve explored just about everything about my grief, I seldom revisit the days surrounding my mother’s death. I haven’t faced what I know about them or made peace with it. And to be honest, I haven’t decided whether I should. Is it worth the pain that looking back will cause? For me, probably. But this is a question every person must answer for themselves. If thoughts about your loved one’s death, or any other aspects of your grief, are haunting you, keeping you up at night, occupying your thoughts, showing up in your dreams, or pushing you towards avoidance – then yes, it’s probably time to face them.
While “facing things” sounds a little too intense in my opinion, there are many reasons why the events surrounding a loved one’s death might bring on thoughts and emotions related to fear, panic, pain, shame, guilt, and several other internal experiences. Below are just a few:
People may have distressing memories associated with the death. For example, my mother struggled with Breast Cancer for many years. After a brief couple of years in remission, her cancer came back with a vengeance, and even chemotherapy wouldn't keep it from taking over her entire body. I remember how devastating and helpless I felt to see her in such pain at the end of her life.
If someone died from an accident that involved violence or harm to the person’s body, survivors who witnessed the event or saw the person afterward may look back on these memories and remember their fear, terror, and panic.
Even those who weren’t present for the death may remember where they were when they found out, what they were doing, and how they felt and responded.
Revisiting memories like these can bring up many distressing thoughts and emotions. When thinking about the death, some people may actually re-experience intense emotions like panic, terror, and fear. In an effort to not feel this way, the person may actively avoid anything that could bring up these memories which, in the long run, may cause them to cut themselves off from important people and places and to possibly live in a state of hyperarousal, a symptom that occurs when a person's body suddenly kicks into high alert as a result of thinking about their trauma.
If this sounds like something you’re experiencing, and if it’s making you very uncomfortable or you’ve lived with it for a while, I highly recommend finding a therapist with experience in treating grief and trauma.
Thoughts and emotions related to things like self-blame, guilt, shame, and regret can cause feelings of depression and even posttraumatic stress disorder.
People may even feel guilt or shame about things that far preceded the death. They may struggle with these things for a long time because, now that the loved one has died, they can no longer ask for forgiveness. I moved across the country when my mother went into remission, with the naïve thought that she was better and would always be better. When her cancer came back, I was not always able to be there for her, and I've always struggled with wondering if she hated me for that. Because, to be honest, she didn't want me to move so far away. And I feel guilt about that to this day.
Many people who were not present at the time of a loved ones death tend to struggle with unanswered questions surrounding the death. Questions like:
Since I was present at the time of my mother's death, I don't ask myself these questions. However, if a person was not present, living with these questions can be excruciating. And, understandably, many people tend to get caught up in asking these questions for a long, long time.
While some people do manage to find answers that bring them peace, many people don’t. Some of these questions can never be answered, and sometimes those that can, don’t have satisfying answers.
I searched a bit online for articles about how to find peace with unanswerable questions. Most of what I found addressed living with unknowns in the future, what psychologists call ‘intolerance of uncertainty” Intolerance of uncertainty is a significant factor in many types of anxiety disorders. So I think it’s worth noting that living with unanswered questions about a loved one’s death can cause anxiety about the future because unknowns tend to lead to an increased sense of unpredictability.
It’s difficult to address this subject in a simple article because there are no easy answers. I can’t provide a list of bullet points telling you how to deal with one of the most significant and painful moments of your life. The actual events of a loved one’s death are often like an open wound that isn’t easily healed.
What I can say is that if you are experiencing depression or have continuous thoughts of unease, shame or guilt, then you may want to think about finding ways to explore those particular experiences. Things like writing, journaling, support groups, talking to a friend, and seeking therapy can help.
Remember, there is NO time limit on grief. Don't ever let someone tell you when you should be over it.
xoxo Stasia ~
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
https://www.apa.org/topics/grief
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-truisms-wellness/201702/the-ways-we-grieve
