It was 2000. I had just returned from a trip to Virginia with my brother to visit our father. I walked in the door to the smiling faces of my children, and was immediately taken into my bedroom. With my crying kids outside the locked door, he sat on top of me, smiling. Not a loving smile. I would call it a sneer; the kind of sneer you might see on the villain in a superhero movie. I felt like a brick was on my chest. Lately, his physical presence had been causing me anxiety. I was constantly walking on egg shells, never knowing what his mood would be when he walked through the door. The sound of the garage door opening would literally send me into a panic attack. Would he be irritated by something I said? Would he be angry that I had cooked something he didn’t like, or that the house wasn't clean, or a specific shirt wasn't ironed?
I begged him to let me up, that the kids were scared and needed me. I begged him to stop, pleaded with him to leave me alone. Tears sprang from my eyes, which made me angry that I was showing weakness, and that made me cry all the more. And then, in the blink of an eye, he tore my belly button ring out of me. I didn't want to, but I screamed. Blood poured out everywhere. He stood up and I doubled over in pain, trying to stop the flow of blood. I had never felt such a loss of control. In the back of my mind, I thought, "How did I get here?"
The red flags didn’t pop up immediately, or maybe they did and I was too young to notice them. We met when I was 22 years old, working for the same company. My marriage was falling apart, and I was scared and lonely and looking for the attention my husband never gave me. "B" gave me ALL the attention. And I lost myself in it, in him. Just days after our first date, he wanted to be exclusive. As days wore into months, months into years, he slowly stared showing me who he really was, and I slowly lost myself.
What lessons did I learn from my marriage to B? I don’t like to call it “my marriage” because thankfully I no longer posses it, not even in the past. Now, it’s just a thing to me, like a car or a pen. But the lessons I learned have followed me all my life, right into my current relationships.
One of the worst parts about being in an abusive relationship is the feeling that you’re losing yourself, piece by piece. My self esteem was the first thing that took a hit.
I think I should preface this by saying first he BUILT up my self esteem. He always said I was beautiful, he wanted to spend all our free time together, I was a wonderful mother to my two little girls, etc...I was over the moon. I finally met a man who really loved me and wanted to be around me and do things for me. But little by little, he began to break me down.
I was sunbathing with a girlfriend one summer day and got sunburned. When B returned home, he became irate, telling me that I deserved to be sunburned because I was vain. He hit me over the head and called me stupid. He had never hit me before, and I started crying from the shock of it. He berated me for crying, and cruelly teased me about acting like a baby. He eventually left the room and I went to my bed and cried while he had dinner and watched television with our roommates. I felt completely ashamed and abandoned. Later, he apologized and told me it would never happen again, that he was feeling stress from work and took it out on me. Little did I know, it would be the first of many, many apologies.
Looking back on that day, I realize what a blow that was, and that it was just one of the many pieces I would lose of myself. As I’ve grown and put the pieces back together, I realize that I always had the power to love myself, regardless of how he acted.
The verbal and emotional abuse was always the worst part. The man was the Master of Manipulation.
It was 2000. (again) I was planning the trip to VA with my brother. B didn't mind at first. I assured him my mother would be able to look after the children while I was gone so he wouldn't have to take time off from work. During the call with my father to finalize the trip plans, B had plans of his own. He told me if I went to visit my father that I didn't love my children. He told me I was selfish and irresponsible because I was leaving my family behind while I went off and did whatever I wanted. He FORBID me to go. He actually took the phone away from me and told my father that I was not allowed to go because I chose to be a wife and mother, and due to my responsibilities to my family, I was to stay home where I belonged. He even went so far as to tell my father that he was an irresponsible and selfish person for even suggesting I leave my family. I was mortified, and when I got off the phone, he screamed at me; he told me that everything was not about me, and that a stupid visit with my father wasn’t important. In the end, I went to visit my father, but I paid the price physically when I returned.
Emotional abuse is still abuse, and the toll it took on me mentally still affects me to this day.
"Don't wear makeup. You're beautiful without it. You would only wear makeup if you're trying to look good for someone else and you don't need to look good for anyone." You see how he played that one, right?
"You don't need her for a friend. You're too good for her." Until finally I had no friends.
"What took you so long at the grocery store? We don't live that far away from it." Until I was finally timed and paid the price if I was "late"
"If it wasn't for me...."
An abusive person will always tell you that it’s for your own good that they control everything you eat, say, wear, and do, but it’s absolutely not.
I was constantly made to feel like everything about myself was wrong.
It was 2003. Our relationship was bringing me down so much that I tried to find something to make me feel better and give me some much needed self-focus. I decided I wanted to go back to school. I had never gone to college, and I wanted to take some college courses. I brought the subject up with B, and he told me I didn't need to go back to school, that it was a waste of money. When I told him it was important to me, that I needed to do it for my own self, and at the time, it didn't matter what I would major in. The answer was a solid NO, that I am now a wife and mother and that's all I needed to focus on. When I tried to argue my case, he became angrier and started yelling at me, telling me I was ungrateful for all that I have and all that he does.
Whether it was wanting to go visit a friend or family, making dinner, or just having a normal conversation on a Sunday afternoon, I never knew what would set him off. Feeling like any little thing could set someone off, and worrying about every little thing you do or say, is not healthy for you or a relationship.
When you meet someone and they become an integral part of your life, whether it’s good or bad, I think it's inevitable that we eventually look back and wonder what would have happened if we had never met them.
Last week, I sat in restaurant eating my lunch, and I watched this little old man sitting a few tables down from me. He was alone, and had a look of sadness on his face, or what I thought was sadness. I immediately thought of my youngest son, and how he hated to see anyone eating alone, let alone an elderly person. I watched him for about 10 minutes or so, and then all of a sudden, the look on his face changed. I knew who his wife was before she even walked up to him; the look on his face is something I will forever remember. His face lit up and his smile grew wide. His wife walked up to him and he gently grabbed her face and gave her a kiss. Then he took her arm and laced it through his, turned around, and walked back to the table with the happiest look on his face. They held hands across the table, even while they were eating. Love is a crazy thing. This stranger, this person who entered your life with a simple hello, now has the power to affect how you feel at any given time.
There are so many times in life when we stop and contemplate the past, wonder what the future will bring, and try to figure out what to do next in the present. This contemplation only lasts a few minutes, and then we move back into the present. I met my boyfriend a little over three years ago, during a dark time in my life when getting involved with someone was not even a thought in my mind. He makes me feel like I can do anything, and he showed me what real love is. A loving relationship is allowing two unique personalities to come together and say, “What can I learn from you? How can we improve each other? How can we make each other happy, more fulfilled, and more supported in life?”
NEVER ask a woman in an abusive relationship why she stayed — it’s an insult. If you are not in the relationship, then you have no right. You cannot get out of a relationship with someone like that until you make the choice yourself.
Until you see what is so wrong, until you realize that the nervous pain in your stomach, your gritted teeth, and your fear of every loud noise is not normal; until you realize that the way they talk to you is not normal, and it’s not love; until you realize your entire life is being controlled and manipulated by someone else, you can’t leave.
I have forgiven B; not for him, but for me. Now, instead of harboring the intense hatred I had for him for so long, I thank him for being so weak that he showed me the true strength that is inside of me, for giving me something to rise above, and for allowing me to prove wrong everything awful that he made me feel I was. He used to tell me, "No one will ever love you like I do". Little did he know, he showed me what real love isn’t.
Help.org says, “When people think of domestic abuse, they often focus on domestic violence. But domestic abuse includes any attempt by one person in an intimate relationship or marriage to dominate and control the other.”
The easiest way I can describe the abusive relationship I was in is that I felt like I was “walking on egg shells” constantly. There was never a moment when I felt comfortable, or wasn’t worried about the next moment he might snap or get angry at me.
Psych Central says, “You could have sworn that he insulted you, but now he is telling you, with fervor, that you misinterpreted what he said. You begin to doubt your perception of the situation. This is gas lighting. It can be applied to a number of situations. The formula is that the abusive person did something to hurt you and then later denies it. As a result, you begin to doubt your sense of reality.”
Every time my ex-husband would start getting irritated, or if he was in a bad mood, I would start to shake, my heart would race and I would feel nauseous. My body was experiencing the fight or flight response . If your body and your mind are telling you something just “isn’t right,” do not ignore that feeling!
If you feel you may be in an abusive relationship, seek help right away. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to a family member or friend, visit http://www.thehotline.org or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
xoxo Stasia ~
